How to Grow from Past Relationship Mistakes

If you’re in the dating scene at all, you’ve likely been there—the point where you look back on a past relationship and think to yourself, “How did I miss the red flags?” or “What was I thinking?” After a relationship comes to an end, it’s natural to ask these types of questions. They can also be a powerful tool for reflecting on your behaviors and finding personal growth.

As humans, we’re meant to make mistakes. They shouldn’t be viewed as a sign of failure, but rather a wonderful opportunity for growth that you wouldn’t find elsewhere. Mistakes provide you with valuable feedback.

The art of learning from them, however, is a skill that needs attention and practice. You need to do the work to make productive changes that will lead you to your happy ending.

Identify Patterns and Trends

When a past relationship came to an end, odds are you experienced some form of pain. It’s easy to focus your energy on the hurt—how you were betrayed or the miscommunications that happened.

Realizing that pain is just a symptom of a larger construct is key to initiating this change. Instead, spend your efforts searching for patterns in your behavior. Being able to name these patterns can help to shift the focus away from blame.

Do you tend to miss red flags? Are you an instant caregiver and tend to lose your identity? Do you have a type, like emotionally unavailable partners? Looking at these patterns can help to determine what need you were hoping to fill.

Be Curious

Another natural habit when reflecting is self-judgment. Have you ever made the statement, “I should have known better,” or “I always mess things up.”

Placing blame on yourself for negative outcomes can stunt your opportunity for growth. The best way to counterbalance that is to approach your past with curiosity.

What beliefs did you have about yourself while in a relationship? What fears did you have? Is there anything from your childhood that could be influencing your current approach to relationships?

Being curious about your behaviors in a non-judgmental way opens the door for gaining insight and making different choices in the future.

Practice Real-Time Improvements

Simply gaining insight is not going to be enough. The next step is to take the appropriate action.

No matter how uncomfortable this may feel, start practicing your new approaches and behaviors for dating. Do you typically avoid conflict? Start setting boundaries. Do you assume the caregiver role? Try verbalizing your needs first. Do you rush right into a serious status? Slow down and take your time.

It’s not until you reach this step that the true work gets started. As you approach relationships with this new mindset and new behaviors, you’re essentially rewiring how your brain processes information. Growth is in the process, not achieving perfection.

Build Your Support System

Rarely are you going to find a point of healing all by yourself. Invest in surrounding yourself with loved ones who support your growth and development. Having someone coddle you is a short-term feel-good tactic, but having a friend challenge your thinking or mentor your behaviors will take you much farther.

Use your support system as an accountability tool and allow them to help you stay aligned with your values during this process.

Starting the Work

If you’re ready to stop repeating any past mistakes, working with a therapist can set you on the right course. Women’s therapy offers a safe space for you to explore patterns of behavior, challenge your beliefs, and practice new approaches that will better equip you for future relationships.

Ready for the next step? Contact me for a consultation to get started.